Is There Room For Life?
One day a client was exploring what’s in the way of creating the life he wants. As we looked closely at his internal experience, he found a set of confusing mixed messages like “I want this” followed quickly by “I can’t have it.” Sound familiar?
How often have you felt excited about a dream or desire only to quickly begin to talk yourself out of it or lose interest? “I don’t have enough money,” “I don’t have time” and “I don’t know how” are common roadblocks we erect inside ourselves. What if we look a little closer.
The Double Bind
As this client looked even more closely at what was happening inside this pattern, he came upon what’s called a double bind, a belief we carry that has no good outcome, e.g. “If I speak my truth, do what I want, ask for what I want, I will be criticized, rejected, alone.” Either side of that statement has negative consequences. On one side of the bind, we feel a very natural impulse towards something we really want, a reflection of our own unique aliveness. Maybe it’s a career filled with meaning and purpose, more creative time inside a relationship or something as simple as feeling free to speak when someone steps in front of you in line. Good, yes? On the other side of the bind we instinctively want to preserve our connection with our loved ones and our sense of belonging to family and tribe. We need to belong. Good too, right? But wait. If we believe it’s either/or and we can only choose one direction, we have a dilemma. We feel like we are being pulled in two directions. Again, sound familiar?
No Room For Life In A Double Bind
As my client explored his double bind, he exclaimed “there’s no room for life in that!” Exactly. When we feel pulled in opposite directions, we often get stuck, feel tired, shut down because the internal tug of war dominates our experience and saps our life energy. These double binds often lurk inside stubborn limiting beliefs and patterns.
In order to feel truly alive, we need healthy relationships and we need to be true to ourselves. We need both and we can create both for ourselves. Get to the root of your double binds and create more room for life.